Wednesday, December 1, 2010


When I decided to take a gap year between high school and college everyone worried that I would never go back to school. I never worried, I knew I wanted one extra year, only one, and then I would return. And even if I had worried it wouldn't have made a difference; by January I already missed the scramble of getting homework done, the underlying stress of exams, and most of all, being surrounded by people my own age.
What everyone should have been worried about, or at least more audibly worried, was my choice of school. Although I have always loved them for letting me live the life I choose, I hate that they didn't put their foot down and make me stick with my original school choice. I cannot blame them, but I know my life would have been completely different had I never gone to that school.
But that is difficult to think about. If I hadn't gone than I wouldn't have met the people that are so important in my life. My two best friends would never have met and become a couple, I may not have gone to London that semester (although I'm pretty sure I would, I've always wanted to).
The more I dwell on it the more "what-ifs" fly through my head.  And that was not the point of this post.
I'm leaving school again, and everyone is worried again. But I know me. I know I want a degree, and I will make sure I get it. I know that what I need right now is to take a break, reevaluate what I really want out of life. Where I really want to go, and ultimately, who I really want to be. It may take some time, but time is never wasted when you are learning, when you are smiling, when you are living. Time is wasted when you go through your days doing the same thing over and over, when you forget to laugh, when you can't remember the last time you danced. That is a waste of time. And that is what I've been doing since I've moved here.
I need to find happiness again, as corny as all of this may sound, I need to Believe again. I need to find the girl I used to be, the one everyone noticed because of her extreme happiness.

These posts are just me reminding myself I'm making the right decision, because I keep doubting myself. I hate when I doubt myself.

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