Do I know what I'm getting myself into?

"You're going to hate it sometimes, you know. There will be days you will be absolutely miserable. Maybe you won't have enough money for food, maybe you'll have gone out every single day looking for a job, maybe you will go to interview after interview with no call backs. Maybe you won't make any friends. You'll find yourself on the floor of your bedroom, crying. Forcing yourself to not call mom, because that would be admitting defeat. Telling yourself that you chose this. And that is all you can do. Keep reminding yourself that this is what you wanted. This is what you signed up for, whether you knew it at the time or not. You chose to move 2,000 miles away. You chose to not be near family. You chose this life for you. So you have to deal with the consequences.
"I'm not saying it's all going to be terrible. You're going to have some good times too. In the beginning you will be high on life, high on the new adventure. You'll find yourself surrounded by new, amazing, interesting people. You'll laugh a lot, go a little crazy, have a lot of fun. Because new is fun. But new is also scary. No matter how independent you think you are, new can scare you. Just be ready for that.
"I'm not telling you not to go, I'm proud of you for taking this step. I'm proud of you for branching off, making your own life, carving your own path. I just worry for you. I just want you to be prepared. I don't want you to give up. So I'm warning  you now, be ready for the tough times, because there will be many."

This was a lecture from my brother, B3, the day before I flew down to Austin to look for apartments. I was annoyed with him. Of course I knew it would be hard, I've lived on my own before, I told him. I know what it's like to not have any money to buy food, to not have any money to put gas in my car in order to get to the grocery store to buy food. I have been there. But have I? I've always had the little cushion of student loans (I loathe you now loans). I've been able to call my mother and ask her to maybe perhaps put twenty dollars in my bank account? Because I was a starving college student, that was acceptable. I'm an adult now, I can't call my mother about everything. I need to make my own life.

Cut to me in Austin. Madic's plane was delayed overnight. I was sitting alone in his friend of a friend's house. My realtor was being difficult and flaky. I couldn't figure out a way to get downtown that wouldn't take two hours. And so, I sat on the floor and cried (You may notice that when I cry, I sit on the floor... it helps me feel more grounded). Then I called my mother and cried, ready to admit defeat. I asked myself, and her, and my father who was listening in the background. "What the hell am I doing? Why did I think this was a good idea?!" To which my mom told me this was just a bump in the road, a good learning experience, and that everything will be ok. And if it wasn't ok, then I didn't have to move to Austin. Simple as that. Except I am super proud and stubborn and I've been telling everyone I'm moving to Austin so I cannot back out now. So I didn't.
Madic finally arrived, we called a new realtor, we found a great apartment, and I began to breath again. Until I started thinking about my job search without a degree... Oy vey, what have I gotten myself into? I just need to listen to what my brother says and face it head on, because, I chose this.

Quarter life crisis - mine involves flowers and gluten free cookies - this post may not make any sense

I have decided I want to become a florist. So maybe I can cross "figure out what I want to do with my life" off my before 30 list. Maybe.

But yesterday I had a moment of terror and a little bit of a freak out.. complete with hyperventilating and a little bit of oh my hell what am I doing with my life??? When I realized that I may never again work at a place where people make me gluten free cookies and I eat like five or more a day and I drink tea and read books and blog and "research" random things on the internet and sometimes do real research for gluten free things and sometimes I answer the phone and make reservations. But the point of this story is I eat a lot of gluten free chocolate chip cookies all day long. And it is heaven. And I have decided to leave this job. What am I thinking?? Really. My life is so cush. Isn't it?

And then I realized that this is what the quarter life crisis is all about. We are just at that moment when you actually have to start acting like an "adult." Where we start paying our student loans, where we have to get real jobs with real people that maybe provides health insurance? And you have to take what you learned from college and apply it to some sort of job that maybe has a little something to do with what you studied but probably doesn't because there are no real jobs available. And then you are me and you never actually graduated from college so instead you keep thinking - what do I actually want to be when I grow up?

That brings me to where I am. Working a comfy little job where I have an endless supply of gluten free yummies, for breakfast, for snack, for dinner, for whenevertheheckIwantandI'mgo ingtohavefivecookiesrightnowdamnit. So yeah - the quarter life crisis. When we realize life is no longer as comfy as it used to be. Where we realize we have responsibilities. Where we know we need to grow up but we remember too vividly the life we lived when our parents took care of everything. Where I realize I need to move out of my parents' house already and stop relying on them for a job whenever I run out of money whilst drinking tequila gallivanting around the world. Where I realize that I may not have gluten free food galore at my finger tips.
But I don't want to realize that! Yes I will move out of my parents' house. Yes I will start paying my own bills. Yes I will get a real job - even if it has to be a 9 to 5 (but I would much prefer to be a florist and make my own hours...). But no, no I do not want to give up the gluten free goodies. Is it asking too much to be able to drink tea and eat gluten free cookies at work? All the time? I don't think so. I don't to think so! What kind of life would that be??
Alright I am being a little dramatic.

Then Madic says, I will bake you gluten free cookies if you will just shut up already.
And this is why we are best friends.

Also, absolutely calling my grandmother this afternoon to see if she will apprentice me in her flower shop. You can eat cookies in flower shops all day right?