Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Do I know what I'm getting myself into?

"You're going to hate it sometimes, you know. There will be days you will be absolutely miserable. Maybe you won't have enough money for food, maybe you'll have gone out every single day looking for a job, maybe you will go to interview after interview with no call backs. Maybe you won't make any friends. You'll find yourself on the floor of your bedroom, crying. Forcing yourself to not call mom, because that would be admitting defeat. Telling yourself that you chose this. And that is all you can do. Keep reminding yourself that this is what you wanted. This is what you signed up for, whether you knew it at the time or not. You chose to move 2,000 miles away. You chose to not be near family. You chose this life for you. So you have to deal with the consequences.
"I'm not saying it's all going to be terrible. You're going to have some good times too. In the beginning you will be high on life, high on the new adventure. You'll find yourself surrounded by new, amazing, interesting people. You'll laugh a lot, go a little crazy, have a lot of fun. Because new is fun. But new is also scary. No matter how independent you think you are, new can scare you. Just be ready for that.
"I'm not telling you not to go, I'm proud of you for taking this step. I'm proud of you for branching off, making your own life, carving your own path. I just worry for you. I just want you to be prepared. I don't want you to give up. So I'm warning  you now, be ready for the tough times, because there will be many."

This was a lecture from my brother, B3, the day before I flew down to Austin to look for apartments. I was annoyed with him. Of course I knew it would be hard, I've lived on my own before, I told him. I know what it's like to not have any money to buy food, to not have any money to put gas in my car in order to get to the grocery store to buy food. I have been there. But have I? I've always had the little cushion of student loans (I loathe you now loans). I've been able to call my mother and ask her to maybe perhaps put twenty dollars in my bank account? Because I was a starving college student, that was acceptable. I'm an adult now, I can't call my mother about everything. I need to make my own life.

Cut to me in Austin. Madic's plane was delayed overnight. I was sitting alone in his friend of a friend's house. My realtor was being difficult and flaky. I couldn't figure out a way to get downtown that wouldn't take two hours. And so, I sat on the floor and cried (You may notice that when I cry, I sit on the floor... it helps me feel more grounded). Then I called my mother and cried, ready to admit defeat. I asked myself, and her, and my father who was listening in the background. "What the hell am I doing? Why did I think this was a good idea?!" To which my mom told me this was just a bump in the road, a good learning experience, and that everything will be ok. And if it wasn't ok, then I didn't have to move to Austin. Simple as that. Except I am super proud and stubborn and I've been telling everyone I'm moving to Austin so I cannot back out now. So I didn't.
Madic finally arrived, we called a new realtor, we found a great apartment, and I began to breath again. Until I started thinking about my job search without a degree... Oy vey, what have I gotten myself into? I just need to listen to what my brother says and face it head on, because, I chose this.


  1. Everything will work out. We lived on about $1700/month with $1500 rent for quite a while and I was going to school full time. The good news is that it is possible to live on canned corn and cereal :) You're strong and you have a strong personality so you have nothing to worry about! :)

  2. Thanks Kelsey! Madic and I have already talked about having competitions of who can make the best dish out of what we have left in the pantry - so canned corn it will be!
    But thanks for your kind words, it's a little scary just waiting for things to happen, but I'm believing in myself!

  3. yay for your move! I'm in the works for moving to Austin, too! It's sooo scary and nerve-wracking, but so so so exciting at the same time =)

  4. Thanks! It is scary! When are you moving? And what brings you there? I'd love to talk to you about it!


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