Do I know what I'm getting myself into?

"You're going to hate it sometimes, you know. There will be days you will be absolutely miserable. Maybe you won't have enough money for food, maybe you'll have gone out every single day looking for a job, maybe you will go to interview after interview with no call backs. Maybe you won't make any friends. You'll find yourself on the floor of your bedroom, crying. Forcing yourself to not call mom, because that would be admitting defeat. Telling yourself that you chose this. And that is all you can do. Keep reminding yourself that this is what you wanted. This is what you signed up for, whether you knew it at the time or not. You chose to move 2,000 miles away. You chose to not be near family. You chose this life for you. So you have to deal with the consequences.
"I'm not saying it's all going to be terrible. You're going to have some good times too. In the beginning you will be high on life, high on the new adventure. You'll find yourself surrounded by new, amazing, interesting people. You'll laugh a lot, go a little crazy, have a lot of fun. Because new is fun. But new is also scary. No matter how independent you think you are, new can scare you. Just be ready for that.
"I'm not telling you not to go, I'm proud of you for taking this step. I'm proud of you for branching off, making your own life, carving your own path. I just worry for you. I just want you to be prepared. I don't want you to give up. So I'm warning  you now, be ready for the tough times, because there will be many."

This was a lecture from my brother, B3, the day before I flew down to Austin to look for apartments. I was annoyed with him. Of course I knew it would be hard, I've lived on my own before, I told him. I know what it's like to not have any money to buy food, to not have any money to put gas in my car in order to get to the grocery store to buy food. I have been there. But have I? I've always had the little cushion of student loans (I loathe you now loans). I've been able to call my mother and ask her to maybe perhaps put twenty dollars in my bank account? Because I was a starving college student, that was acceptable. I'm an adult now, I can't call my mother about everything. I need to make my own life.

Cut to me in Austin. Madic's plane was delayed overnight. I was sitting alone in his friend of a friend's house. My realtor was being difficult and flaky. I couldn't figure out a way to get downtown that wouldn't take two hours. And so, I sat on the floor and cried (You may notice that when I cry, I sit on the floor... it helps me feel more grounded). Then I called my mother and cried, ready to admit defeat. I asked myself, and her, and my father who was listening in the background. "What the hell am I doing? Why did I think this was a good idea?!" To which my mom told me this was just a bump in the road, a good learning experience, and that everything will be ok. And if it wasn't ok, then I didn't have to move to Austin. Simple as that. Except I am super proud and stubborn and I've been telling everyone I'm moving to Austin so I cannot back out now. So I didn't.
Madic finally arrived, we called a new realtor, we found a great apartment, and I began to breath again. Until I started thinking about my job search without a degree... Oy vey, what have I gotten myself into? I just need to listen to what my brother says and face it head on, because, I chose this.

The boy

I have a confession to make. I am running away. I have been running away. Every decision I have made in the past few years, every time I have picked up and moved thousands of miles away, it has been to escape.
When I am back home, I hide. I rarely go into town. I hate going into the grocery store.
I'm hiding. I'm running away. From my past. From a boy. THE boy. The boy I fell in love with when I was eight years old. The boy I spent years staring at while I was at church, during soccer practice. The boy who finally asked me out in high school. The boy who gave me butterflies with every smile. The boy who would sing to me when I was feeling sad. The boy who was there for me, the boy I told my problems to, the boy who would lean on me when things weren't everything we wanted them to be.
He was the boy I planned my life around. He was the boy who asked me to marry him, the boy I said yes to.
But he was also the boy that played with my emotions. The boy who lied. The boy who cheated. The boy who strung me along after he realized he hated me. The boy I finally broke up with. The boy who continued to call me over and over. The boy who showed up at my dorm in the middle of the night, begging me to see him. The boy who got a new girlfriend two days after we broke up. The boy who didn't tell me about the new girlfriend for months. The boy who would tell me he loved me over and over, and then tell me he hated me.
The boy who seemed to show up everywhere I went. The boy who would tell me I was ugly, I was crazy, I was unloveable. The boy who would tell me he couldn't live without me, while he paraded his new girlfriend around our town. The boy who would freak out and show up in the middle of the night when he found out I went on a date.
The boy who ruined me. The boy who made me hate myself because I let him treat me the way he did. The boy I spent years trying to get over, to get away from.
I finally did, I finally escaped, I finally ran away. I moved to Copenhagen. He sent me a terrible letter just weeks after I moved there. It was as if I couldn't get away. He still tried to contact me constantly. I blocked him from everything.
I returned home for a visit. I saw him again. I fell into his spell again. I thought it would be ok if we became friends. I thought it would be ok. It escalated. And then it fell apart again. He peppered me with abusive language. He blamed me for every bad thing in his life. He told me he never loved me. I hated myself.
Every time I would see him, every time I would see his parents - his parents who I had loved like my own family, who had started to become my own family - I would fall apart. My ears would burn. I would start to shake. I couldn't handle being in the same place as him.
I spent six months in London and things started to change. I met Penn. I realized just how terrible our entire relationship had been.
But as much as I had changed, had healed, there was still something there. Still a terrible fear that I would fall back into the destructive life I had been living for so long. Just to feel loved. Just for those fleeting moments of adoration.
Moving home was difficult. I didn't want to see his parents. But I do see them, almost every week. They try to catch my eye. They try to say hello.
They said hello today. We ran into them at the bagel shop. They had overheard my aunt talking about my move to Texas. His dad told me he had been there. He had gone to Texas to look at grad schools with HIM. He joked about the Red Sox as if what he said had not made my stomach drop out of me.
He left. And I panicked. I am moving thousands of miles away. And for what? To possibly be in the same city as him again? But just because they were looking there doesn't mean he will go there, right? This cannot possibly happen again. I have spent the last couple of years running, and he keeps catching up to me.
Why can't he just be the boy I barely remember, not the boy I can't escape?

Is sight important? Texas Festivals and oh, I like ice cream.

Yesterday I went to the eye doctor again because I absolutely stink at putting contacts in and they itch to the point where I'm screaming to rip my eyes out of me PLEASE. But also I am super stubborn and WANT to wear contacts so I can show off my pretty green eyes (hello modesty) and rock over sized sunnies and wear an obscene amount of mascara on occasion. These are things I cannot do with my little spectacles.
I just realized, you may have noticed in ALL of my pictures I have posted I am not wearing my glasses. That doesn't mean I'm wearing contacts. Oh no, I just decide that it is totally okay to not see for a little bit (or entire night). I don't do it when I'm driving or anything. But I must confess I biked once when I forgot to put my glasses in my clutch in Copenhagen. Liiiitle bit scary. I don't recommend it. But yes, I don't like to wear my glasses because I think I'm much prettier without them. My mother disagrees, that's because she's my mother.I'm getting contacts anyway!
The last time I was at the eye doctor (last week), I was loudly bragging about my move to Austin. Well not really, but sort of. My oldest friend, Winnie, works there so I was telling her that I was moving. I always get so nervous about telling my hometown friends I'm leaving because they yell at me every time. "What?? But you just got back!" So I tried to make it sound like it was the best thing possible that I was moving 2,000 miles away (which it is!). Another woman who worked in the office overheard me and popped up.
"You're moving to Texas?? When are you coming in next? I have something for you! I'll bring it in to Winnie and she can give it to you!" That's something I love about small towns. I don't know this woman at all, but she is jumping up to give me something, just because.
This "something" is a package she got in the mail randomly - a guide to Texas. It has a map and a couple booklets that outline everything you need to know (ish) about every town in Texas. I wanted to gobble it up I loved it so much.
Madic returned from Seattle yesterday so he came over to catch up, which included him asking me what I did while he was gone for eight days...and all I could tell him was I discovered "A Very Potter Musical" on youtube and now have 20 Google followers (which dropped to 19 today... I'm sorry... I'll miss you!). Gosh my life is so exciting. HIS life is for real exciting and he had a lovely trip with his girly friend and they did many a lovely, artsy, fun thing.
After I was once again reminded how boring my life is, I pulled out my little package of Texas goodies and we perused. And - OH MY GOSH - do you know how many festivals there are in Texas?? I mean, we all know about SXSW, but there are like eleventy million others!! (please note that I turn into a six year old when I am excited). So I am adding that to my life list - which is going to have to not be called "30 before 30" and should be called "eleventy before babies" because there are just so many amazing things I want to do, and I don't want it to be before I die, because I want the pressure to get it done NOW! And I can't put an age on that, so babies arriving it is. And then I'll make a new list of awesome things to expose my babies to. (And mommy get-a-ways too).
My favorite sounding festival (cause I haven't looked all of them up yet) is the Texas Reds - Steak and Grape - Festival. Um, hi, let's be friends forever. My mouth is watering already. A festival dedicated to steak and wine! Is it October yet?
There are so many crazy festivals, all year long. There's also a BBQ goat cook off, World's Largest Rattlesnake Round-up, Wild Hog Explosion, and so so so much more! You should see me, I am giggling hysterically with excitement! My skin cells are excited!
You know what Vermont has? Well, we used to have a Ben and Jerry's festival - but New York took it from us. NEW YORK. What do they know about Ben and Jerry's? (Speaking of Ben and Jerry's, I'm extremely upset I'm missing free cone day while I'm in Copenhagen, so you all better get an extra free cone for me!)

Oh, hey, look at that, this post is all over the place! Much like my life.
Do you have festivals in your city? Tell me all about them because they are my new favorite thing!
And what free cone will you be getting on April 12th?

A little different..

Happy Monday! Although the first day of Spring was yesterday and last week we had a couple 50 degree days, winter seems to still be lurking wayyyy up here in Vermont. Chilly! I hope it is looking like a beautiful spring where you are!

Lately, although I cover it with humor, I've been freaking out about money. I returned from Denmark with a hundred kroner to my name (less than $20). And although I've been working over 40 hours a week since December and attempting to live like a hermit, life gets expensive. So I drew up a budget, looked at all my financials, and estimated the cost of moving, and rent for three months. And I balked. I could do it, but I would be skimping by.
I tried not to let it worry me. I have lived on very little before. I am a pro at living off the bare necessities. But knowing how far away I'd be from my family, not knowing when I would get a job, or how well it would pay... I couldn't help but let the worry creep over me.
So I started to pray about it. I asked God if He really wanted me to go to Austin, if this was really in His plan. I have done things before that were definitely against His plan, and I have suffered for it. So I wanted to go about it right this time. Is this what He wants?
As the plans came together I received positive reactions from the most important people in my life. I felt at ease, except for my lack of money, and the difficulty in getting a second job with my hours and the fact that I would be leaving in May. So I asked God, if this was his plan, could he maybe help me with my financial burden?
I didn't expect anything from it. Why would God help me with something like money. Why would He want me to move to Texas when I could just as easily stay here and not need any money. But I knew that I really couldn't stay here, and I hoped that God recognized it too. I was sure He did, He knows my heart.
Then last week I got a call for a baby sitting job, they would pay me $75.00 to watch a few kids for a couple hours. The next day $50.00 arrived in the mail for me. An old friend remembered he owed me money - I had completely forgotten. This extra income, if only a one time thing, was welcome. It was the exact amount I needed to pay for my eye doctor.
Saturday we got a phone call from a woman who lived up the road. I have never met her, and my parents only knew of her. She was calling to offer me a job as a night nanny. She had gotten my name, as well as rave reviews, from a woman who attends my church. The woman highly recommended me. I was surprised. I knew of this woman, I see her every Sunday, but have never spoken to her. I didn't know she knew who I was, or that I worked with children, but somehow she did.
It is the perfect job. I will be taking care of newborn twins, helping with their nightly feedings, as well as attending to the one and a half year old boy if he wakes during the night. And they only need me until May. After I accepted the job, I immediately prayed to God in thanks. I truly believe that Austin is where He wants me to be, everything has come together, and God has been answering all my prayers. I only hope that I am worthy.
I do feel bad, my parents have been struggling financially for a while, and yet I am the one getting helped. My mother says she understands. God just wants me to know He is there. We are in our Honeymoon-stage she says. He wants to know that I am loved, and no matter what I have done or gone through, He will always be there.

The thought of Texas makes me all giddy and happy inside

I have been looking at the route Madic and I are going to take to get from Vermont to Texas and I am GIDDY. I can't stop smiling and emailing Madic about all the places I'm excited to see. Because once we get out of Massachusetts, I have never been to any of the states we are going to go through. It's like a dream come true. I get to move to Texas AND get to see so many new states.
My one goal is to get Madic to agree to stop in Nashville.
I am so giddy I can't wait. There are so many possibilities. Where will we stay? What will we see? THINK OF THE ADVENTURES!
It's funny, Madic and I had always planned on going on a road trip together. Since we met in sixth grade we have been planning the most epic of adventures. And then last year he went on a road trip with our friend Turtle while I was visiting home. He kept trying to convince me to go with him but I was only home for a little bit and had so many people to see and things to do before I returned to Denmark. He feigned being upset and said we would never have another chance to go on a road trip together.
AND LOOK AT US NOW! We're moving to Austin, and we're driving the whole way.
But. my God, it feels like the time is never going to come. Damn our prior obligations.