Annie, The Doppelganger

Have you ever seen How I Met Your Mother? It’s one of my favorite shows and recently I’ve gotten Madic into watching. Every once in awhile I sit on our floor with him and catch a few episodes on the computer. The latest one we watched was Doppelgangers. In the last scene Ted tells Robin that eventually we all become our own doppelganger; we are completely different people who just happen to look like us. Ted makes a comparison of their characters five years earlier. Maybe it was the sangria thinking, or maybe it was the nostalgia from an earlier conversation with my mother, but I started to think about how I was my own doppelganger.

Five years ago I had just graduated from high school. I was dating a boy I was convinced was the love of my life and just months from an engagement. I had decided to defer my college acceptance for a year to work a little and travel to the Dominican Republic to volunteer. I had my life completely planned out in front of me. Although I cannot remember my exact plans, I know they never involved me moving to Austin with Madic, signing a one year lease on an apartment we couldn’t afford to furnish. But here I am; sitting on the floor of an empty living room drinking gifted sangria and watching How I Met Your Mother with my best friend.

A number of things have changed since July 2006. The Boy and I went through a tumultuous breakup the likes I could have never imagined. I never finished college. I lived in London and Denmark. I fell in love with a frat boy from Maryland and then chose my own life path instead of following him. I moved back in with my parents. I picked up and moved to Texas without any plan, without any job… just following a dream.

Ted tells Robin that five years ago she was great, but her “doppelganger”, the Robin of now, was the greatest friend and most amazing person he’d ever met. How do I feel about my doppelganger? I am overflowing with pride. Sure, my life hasn’t turned out anything like I planned when I was eighteen. Of course I wanted to get a degree. Of course I had dreamed of marrying The Boy and starting a family. But I am so proud of where I am now. I’ve taken chances, I’ve gone on adventure after adventure, I have lived. And I’m nowhere close to being finished.

Maybe I’m a little nervous and occasionally frustrated about my job hunt and not really knowing anyone other than Madic. Maybe every once in awhile I question my decision and miss home, my family, my friends. But I love this city. I’m excited about my job prospects. I have been blessed in finding an amazing community of young, Catholic professionals. I am meeting new friends every day. I have also grown a considerable amount in the last five years. I am stronger, more independent, more mature, more grounded. I have had my heart broken, I’ve made compromises and mistakes, I’ve had regrets. But I have learned from it all.

This doppelganger, this version of Annie five years later, she is the girl – the woman – I’ve always wanted to be. I just had to grow up to figure it out. And you know what? I’m excited to find out who Annie will be five years from now, but I will not be at all surprised if she is nothing like me.

An Adventure in Wales

I was sitting on the front stoop coffee in hand, sunglasses shielding the late morning sun smiling at the empty Friday before me.  As I turned my face towards the beating sun the phone rang. I stared grumpily at Penn’s number. Why on earth was he calling and did he really have to interrupt my peaceful love affair with the long awaited sun?

"Hello?” I spoke into the phone trying to hide my annoyance. Penn responded quickly, “We have an extra train ticket. One of the boys couldn’t come last minute. Do you want to? If you can make it in forty-five minutes the ticket is yours.”

No longer annoyed and all thoughts of a peaceful, relaxing weekend rushed from my head. I jumped from the stoop and into the house. Running into my room, I grabbed pieces of clothing and a toothbrush on the way in and threw them all into a backpack. No idea what to pack, I just tossed random shirts and shorts and socks into the bag, along with face wash and a toothbrush, the bare necessities. The boys had said they were going to Wales for a coasteering weekend and I had wanted in since the beginning but the trip was planned months in advance and did not have room for a fifth person, so I leapt at the chance before thinking it through completely.

It wasn’t until I had met up with the boys and boarded the train I started to doubt my haste actions. Sitting beside Penn as he enthusiastically discussed the coming weekend with Mike and Matt across the isle, I realized this may have been a mistake. Although in relatively good shape, and ready to take on any adventure, I was still a girl heading to Wales with three very in shape men to kayak and climb rocks in the middle of the ocean. What had I let myself get into? I took a deep breath and focused on the landscape racing by outside the window. As we left the city my breath became less forced, and my grip loosened on the armrest. As each field of sheep passed a new calm set in.

Haverfordwest station was surrounded by mountains rich with greenery with little houses tucked into their folds. So long in the city, I had forgotten the joy of seeing only green. We boarded a bus and set off on a half hour ride even deeper into the country. The roads grew narrower the higher the bus climbed into the mountains of Wales. It tumbled up hills and emerged onto Pembrokeshire Coast National Park. The lodge was nestled into the mountain, not far from the small town of Mathry. Standing in the drive of the lodge, surrounded only by cows, I looked at the boys. Identical stunned expressions looked back at me. A swell of pride moved up my chest and emerged on my face in a smile. I may have been the only girl on the trip, but I was a country girl and these were city men through and through.

After dinner, the boys and I walked down the road just as the sun began to set. The dusk that crept up around us made the country look eerie yet wonderful. The grey blue sky peeped through the black branches and critters moved unseen around us. The dirt road was narrow with banks rising high over our heads on either side limiting our view of the country. We walked along silently, reveling in the fresh air and quiet. But it wasn’t quiet; it was just a different kind of noise. Not the noise of taxis rushing by or yelling pedestrians or car alarms going off. It was the bleating of sheep, the deep moan of a cow, the rustle of bird wings through the trees. The air was full of sound, but it was peaceful and soothing. Soon the road opened up and the silhouette of a barn appeared. It welcomed us with a pungent perfume and the shadow of large animals pawing in their paddocks.

“Is that a cow?” Mike whispered. I chuckled under my breath at just how city these boys were. He walked closer but stopped three meters shy of the gate. “Is it ok if I’m here?” His voice was low as he looked back at us. I continued to laugh but nodded my head as I joined him. “I have never been this close to a cow before and I have to come all the way to Wales to do it!” Just then a cow near us tried to mount another and Mike hopped away. “Didn’t think I’d ever see that either!” he laughed as he tried to hide his rush away from the fence.

The cows woke us bright and early the next morning and I was lured down the stairs by the smell of bacon. The lodge owners set out a delicious breakfast to prepare us for the day ahead. “Heyo!” A Welsh voice boomed as the four of us sat down. “Name’s John, welcome to Wales! You lads ready for the day ahead? Excuse me, lady, are you ready too? You think you can handle this?” He added when he spotted me standing a foot below the boys. Color rising in my cheeks, I instantly became aware of how frail I was, but beamed back at him.

 “Can’t wait!” My voice sounded only a bit more stable than my legs quavering underneath me. John threw his head back and laughed.

“Don’t you worry; I won’t let anything happen to you. Have some breakfast and I’ll catch you all in a few minutes.” He turned and walked away while the boys laughed at my red face.

Behind the kitchen a shed filled with coasteering gear awaited us. The four of us jumped, pulled, and tugged our way into the winter wet suits. Although struggling with the suits and looking a bit ridiculous, it felt great to put it on. I felt legitimate.

A van took us down to the water. As we hopped out and onto the beach we paused in amazement. I had no idea places like this existed in Great Britain. The view before me was something I had reserved in my mind for tropical islands and the southern coasts of Spain, Italy, or Greece. Jagged cliffs rose high around me, and before me splashed a sea as blue as the sky above. The soft waves lapping against the pebble beach and the call of seagulls flying above set the perfect soundtrack to the striking contrast of the black cliffs and sapphire sea, I was transported to a distant exotic world.

Breaking the silence, the boys began to clip on their gear but I paused a moment longer. This time it wasn’t the beauty that delayed me, but my own apprehension. The worry of the day before crept over me and I once again doubted my abilities. A hard hip check broke through my thoughts and tossed me into the sand.

 “Get your stuff together lady, we’re going in!” John stood above me, his eyes bright with laughter and dancing with mischief as he pulled me back onto my feet. He clipped my lifejacket, double checked my helmet, then turned to the water and with a wave of an arm shouted to the group, “Let’s go!” 

Where exactly they were going, I wasn’t sure. And judging by the surprised faces around me neither did anyone else but we followed him anyway. The group trudged straight out into the sea. At first the water seemed warm but soon enough infiltrated our wetsuits and seemed to turn to ice. “The trick is to get completely wet right away,” John yelled to us as he dove under the waves, “a layer of water will get between you and the suit and your body heat will keep it warm, you just have to get swimming.” And he pushed off towards a rock in the distance. Cautiously I followed, dunking my head under the frigid waters, stifling the screams trying to escape from my chest in rebellion.

The rock poked out of the sea ominously. It was steep with jagged edges and when John yelled to us to climb on up, I thought he was joking. But he jumped on the rock with ease and headed up to the ledge before I could voice my doubt. Penn clambered up in front of me quickly, although not as gracefully. I grabbed on to a jagged edge, thankful for my gloves, and pulled myself up. The gloves latched on to the barnacles speckling the rocks surface enabling a strong grip.

A small channel ran between the rock and the cliffs. The water appeared calm as our group approached but, as the last gloved hand clasped to the side of the mountainous rock, giant waves billowed through loosening our grips and throwing us back to where we started.

“We’re going through there. We can wait for the waves to die down… or we can have a little fun.” John looked at us devilishly. My heart quickened as Penn squeezed my arm – his eyes matching John’s.

“Ready for this?” He gave me a challenging grin. But something had happened to me from the moment I submerged myself beneath the water. As the sea seeped into my wetsuit my hesitations, my fear, all of my worry left me. I was in. I grinned back at Penn and we swam towards the crashing waves.

In a moment we lost all control of our destination as a wall of water came crashing down on us. I felt a pull behind me but tried to swim on into the crest of the wave. It lifted me high above the others. I thrust myself into it and rose further but quickly crashed down and was pulled under. The life jacket brought me back up, and gasping for breath I spotted another coming for me. Penn was nowhere in sight. But there whoops and cheers of the group who had stayed behind. They were having fun, it was all ok. I gave into the next wave but barely caught my breath before another one came. Just as I thought I would never get through I felt someone clasp onto my arm and pull me towards the other end of the channel.

“Just let the next wave take us into the rock,” Penn yelled over the rush of the wave. I grabbed his hand and together we were pushed to the rock. It wasn’t graceful. The wave pushed Penn around so his back faced the rock. Our hands separated and I was propelled forward into him as we both crashed into the jagged surface, Penn taking the brunt of the crash. We clambered onto the rock and collapsed. John and the rest of the group made their way easily through the channel and quickly joined us, the waves having died down just as we reached solid ground.

“Are you okay?” John called out. I struggled to my feet, but was hindered by the laughter billowing from me.

“That was amazing!” Was all I could get out. I was laughing and gasping for air, my legs shaking from the rush of adrenaline now pulsing through my veins. “What’s next?” John laughed as he pointed to a ledge higher up the rock.

“Ready to jump?” He started climbing up. “I wonder if it’s deep enough.” And in a moment he was in the air and into the water. He emerged with a cheer. “Just jump straight out, keep your legs together and arms crossed, it’s great!”

I jumped with a squeal. Surrounded by cliffs on the coast of Wales, I flew through the air and dropped 30 feet into the icy sea. I was free, full of life, bursting with excitement. I crashed into the ocean, my lungs once again rebelling against the cold and the sudden rush of water. 

I just want to travel

A couple days ago I announced to my mother I had made another career change, and then five minutes later I took it back.
"I don't know what I want to do! I just want to travel, that's it, just travel." I whined. Living back at home I've become such an amazing whiner.
"Then why are you plopping yourself down in Texas for a year?" Mom responded defiantly - Mom has also become very snappy. Oh we make a happy household.
"Because I've always wanted to live in Texas! So I'm trying it out. And then in a year I'll go to Nepal for three months, then I'll come  back and make more money then go --"
"ANNIE!" My mom interrupted me with an abrupt yell, "I want grandchildren!"
"Well in order for you to get grandchildren from me I need to find a man, and I don't see that happening any time soon."
"Not at the rate you're going! Why can't you just sit still for a minute and allow a man to actually meet you!"
"If he can't keep up he's not worth it! Oh and Mom, I am your fifth child, why don't you go bother the married children. Or even the ones who are in relationships." Also, side note here, she does have two granddaughters already, but they live in Denmark, and that makes her sad. She wants grandchildren stateside. "Also!" I begin to storm, "I am only twenty-three years old!" Here's the problem with that argument: all of the females in my family have either married, had a child, or had a very serious boyfriend that would quickly lead to marriage by the time they were my age. Usually by the age of twenty-one. My family is used to that. They expect that. I even expected it.
At nineteen I thought I had my life mapped out for me. I had a date picked out for my wedding to "the love of my life." We had a plan to live in Spain for a few years and come back home to start having babies.  Even after things crashed and burned with The Boy I still thought of myself as a girl who would settle down young, with a handsome man, have babies right away - and lots of them, live in the country with the white picket fence and a family dog.
I can't pinpoint when things began to change. But after living in Europe, after halfheartedly going on dates, meeting a wonderful man but losing him again due to distance, I realized that I didn't just want to be a wife and mother. I want to live my own life, have my own plans, be my own complete person.
Yes, of course I would still like to meet a man someday, I still absolutely want to have children, but I am in no rush. I am twenty-three, I have years ahead of me. Right now, I need to figure out what kind of life I want to live, who I want to be, where I want to be. And maybe, someday, someone will come along who wants the same things out of life, and we will continue to travel side by side.

She Lived With Laughter in Her Heart

I believe my epitaph (or I hope) will read, “She lived with Laughter in Her Heart.” At my house we have a sign that says “Live, Laugh, Love,” a saying that has exploded within the young lady population. It’s something to live by, and I believe my saying ties it all together.

My parents taught us to give everything of ourselves, to help others at every opportunity possible; to be aware that we are not the only ones in the world. They encouraged seizing the day, making the most of our one life, getting as much out of it as possible. They encouraged happiness and laughter and brotherly love. They encouraged adventure and fun and spirituality. They encouraged life.
My older brothers helped to enforce the idea of living into my days. They always did their best, were involved in anything they could. They followed their dreams, never worried about them not coming true. They always did what made them happy and what would benefit others the most. They learned not only in the classroom but around the world. They opened their lives to different cultures, different ideas, and different religions.

I live: As I heard stories and watched the lives of my brothers, I knew that life was nothing to take for granted. I wanted my part of it, and I wanted to give my part as well. So I did it. I became involved in many organizations in high school, I volunteered as much as possible. And, taking a leaf out of one brothers’ book, I took a year off after high school and moved to the Dominican Republic. I lived at an orphanage and taught English and volunteered at the local hospital. I savored every moment, whether in the classroom, at the hospital, or just out in the streets playing with the children.

I love: I hold every moment close to me. I reveled in the eyes of my young niece as she spoke her very first word. I felt the excitement of my sister’s first high school dance. I burst with pride and warmth when my brother proposed to the love of his life. I live for these moments, these moments of pure happiness and innocence. Of pure love. I love life. I love all the possibilities around me. I love the fact that everyone has a chance to make a better world.

I laugh: I am known for my smile and my laughter. I am known for my unfailing optimism, my energy, and my craving for adventure. There are countless moments around the dinner table I will never forget, where all ten of us dissolve into laughter we cannot suppress, where food goes untouched for minutes before we can compose ourselves enough to eat. There are study sessions and coffee breaks that are interrupted by giggles and cackles, telling that life is being enjoyed. Laughter rings through my house, whether at home or at school, raw and completely free. We are happy, despite the situations around us.

We are together, we are loved, we are whole, we are happy.

I am not one to sit back and let the world pass by. If there is something I want to do, I am going to do it. I cannot merely breathe through life. I must live it too. I have an urge to go out and save the world, and I am going to do everything I can to make it happen, with laughter in my heart.

The one where I decide I'm Never. Growing. Up.

My mind is full of fantasy. Of pirate ships and cowboys running off into the sunset. Of princesses and princes. Of fairies in the woods. Of magic dust. And girls who can fly, and mermaids who swim in the deep ocean.
Sometimes, when I need a break from the real world, and when I am lucky enough to be near it, I escape to "my meadow." It's three meadows down, deep in the woods. When you walk into the clearing all you see is rolling hills, the dip, and grow. A single tree resides close to the middle. Most importantly, you cannot see even a tiny sign of civilization. I am convinced this is where the fairies live. And if I look closely enough, I may see a centaur walking quietly along the tree line.
You wouldn't know it to look at me. You wouldn't know it to talk to me. But it's there, in my head, giving me smiles.
In Denmark a couple weeks ago we visited Tivoli. It was full of color and bloom on it's opening weekend. Everything dressed to the nines in preparation for Easter. A ballerina, a jester, and a clown frolicked around the gardens making friends and putting on mini performances. And then there was the Pirate Ship. Sitting so serenely in the "bay." Almost ominously. Lurking almost. But it seemed to welcome me. It seemed to whisper "Come explore!" Unfortunately it was off limits. Unless of course I wanted to book a birthday party.
A BIRTHDAY PARTY?? It was the most brilliant idea anyone has ever put into my little head. A birthday party, on a pirate ship? Yes please!
E laughed at my excitement. "Well, you can tell you grew up with boys." And she walked off. Not one for fantasy? But boys or  no boys. Think of the romance. The adventure. The pure happiness I will feel perched in the bird's nest while everyone sings happy birthday!
Not to mention it allows me to celebrate growing older, but never actually grow up.
And so, my friends, it is added to my Before 30 list, whether it's my 25th or the 30th itself, I will celebrate a birthday on a pirate ship.

And we will drink rum ;)

Do I know what I'm getting myself into?

"You're going to hate it sometimes, you know. There will be days you will be absolutely miserable. Maybe you won't have enough money for food, maybe you'll have gone out every single day looking for a job, maybe you will go to interview after interview with no call backs. Maybe you won't make any friends. You'll find yourself on the floor of your bedroom, crying. Forcing yourself to not call mom, because that would be admitting defeat. Telling yourself that you chose this. And that is all you can do. Keep reminding yourself that this is what you wanted. This is what you signed up for, whether you knew it at the time or not. You chose to move 2,000 miles away. You chose to not be near family. You chose this life for you. So you have to deal with the consequences.
"I'm not saying it's all going to be terrible. You're going to have some good times too. In the beginning you will be high on life, high on the new adventure. You'll find yourself surrounded by new, amazing, interesting people. You'll laugh a lot, go a little crazy, have a lot of fun. Because new is fun. But new is also scary. No matter how independent you think you are, new can scare you. Just be ready for that.
"I'm not telling you not to go, I'm proud of you for taking this step. I'm proud of you for branching off, making your own life, carving your own path. I just worry for you. I just want you to be prepared. I don't want you to give up. So I'm warning  you now, be ready for the tough times, because there will be many."

This was a lecture from my brother, B3, the day before I flew down to Austin to look for apartments. I was annoyed with him. Of course I knew it would be hard, I've lived on my own before, I told him. I know what it's like to not have any money to buy food, to not have any money to put gas in my car in order to get to the grocery store to buy food. I have been there. But have I? I've always had the little cushion of student loans (I loathe you now loans). I've been able to call my mother and ask her to maybe perhaps put twenty dollars in my bank account? Because I was a starving college student, that was acceptable. I'm an adult now, I can't call my mother about everything. I need to make my own life.

Cut to me in Austin. Madic's plane was delayed overnight. I was sitting alone in his friend of a friend's house. My realtor was being difficult and flaky. I couldn't figure out a way to get downtown that wouldn't take two hours. And so, I sat on the floor and cried (You may notice that when I cry, I sit on the floor... it helps me feel more grounded). Then I called my mother and cried, ready to admit defeat. I asked myself, and her, and my father who was listening in the background. "What the hell am I doing? Why did I think this was a good idea?!" To which my mom told me this was just a bump in the road, a good learning experience, and that everything will be ok. And if it wasn't ok, then I didn't have to move to Austin. Simple as that. Except I am super proud and stubborn and I've been telling everyone I'm moving to Austin so I cannot back out now. So I didn't.
Madic finally arrived, we called a new realtor, we found a great apartment, and I began to breath again. Until I started thinking about my job search without a degree... Oy vey, what have I gotten myself into? I just need to listen to what my brother says and face it head on, because, I chose this.

Is sight important? Texas Festivals and oh, I like ice cream.

Yesterday I went to the eye doctor again because I absolutely stink at putting contacts in and they itch to the point where I'm screaming to rip my eyes out of me PLEASE. But also I am super stubborn and WANT to wear contacts so I can show off my pretty green eyes (hello modesty) and rock over sized sunnies and wear an obscene amount of mascara on occasion. These are things I cannot do with my little spectacles.
I just realized, you may have noticed in ALL of my pictures I have posted I am not wearing my glasses. That doesn't mean I'm wearing contacts. Oh no, I just decide that it is totally okay to not see for a little bit (or entire night). I don't do it when I'm driving or anything. But I must confess I biked once when I forgot to put my glasses in my clutch in Copenhagen. Liiiitle bit scary. I don't recommend it. But yes, I don't like to wear my glasses because I think I'm much prettier without them. My mother disagrees, that's because she's my mother.I'm getting contacts anyway!
The last time I was at the eye doctor (last week), I was loudly bragging about my move to Austin. Well not really, but sort of. My oldest friend, Winnie, works there so I was telling her that I was moving. I always get so nervous about telling my hometown friends I'm leaving because they yell at me every time. "What?? But you just got back!" So I tried to make it sound like it was the best thing possible that I was moving 2,000 miles away (which it is!). Another woman who worked in the office overheard me and popped up.
"You're moving to Texas?? When are you coming in next? I have something for you! I'll bring it in to Winnie and she can give it to you!" That's something I love about small towns. I don't know this woman at all, but she is jumping up to give me something, just because.
This "something" is a package she got in the mail randomly - a guide to Texas. It has a map and a couple booklets that outline everything you need to know (ish) about every town in Texas. I wanted to gobble it up I loved it so much.
Madic returned from Seattle yesterday so he came over to catch up, which included him asking me what I did while he was gone for eight days...and all I could tell him was I discovered "A Very Potter Musical" on youtube and now have 20 Google followers (which dropped to 19 today... I'm sorry... I'll miss you!). Gosh my life is so exciting. HIS life is for real exciting and he had a lovely trip with his girly friend and they did many a lovely, artsy, fun thing.
After I was once again reminded how boring my life is, I pulled out my little package of Texas goodies and we perused. And - OH MY GOSH - do you know how many festivals there are in Texas?? I mean, we all know about SXSW, but there are like eleventy million others!! (please note that I turn into a six year old when I am excited). So I am adding that to my life list - which is going to have to not be called "30 before 30" and should be called "eleventy before babies" because there are just so many amazing things I want to do, and I don't want it to be before I die, because I want the pressure to get it done NOW! And I can't put an age on that, so babies arriving it is. And then I'll make a new list of awesome things to expose my babies to. (And mommy get-a-ways too).
My favorite sounding festival (cause I haven't looked all of them up yet) is the Texas Reds - Steak and Grape - Festival. Um, hi, let's be friends forever. My mouth is watering already. A festival dedicated to steak and wine! Is it October yet?
There are so many crazy festivals, all year long. There's also a BBQ goat cook off, World's Largest Rattlesnake Round-up, Wild Hog Explosion, and so so so much more! You should see me, I am giggling hysterically with excitement! My skin cells are excited!
You know what Vermont has? Well, we used to have a Ben and Jerry's festival - but New York took it from us. NEW YORK. What do they know about Ben and Jerry's? (Speaking of Ben and Jerry's, I'm extremely upset I'm missing free cone day while I'm in Copenhagen, so you all better get an extra free cone for me!)

Oh, hey, look at that, this post is all over the place! Much like my life.
Do you have festivals in your city? Tell me all about them because they are my new favorite thing!
And what free cone will you be getting on April 12th?

What you should know if you are going to live with me

The other day I was terribly bored so I started a list for Madic of things he should know about living with me. We have been best friends for 11 years but living together is going to be a bit different. I can't help but worry that he has no idea what he is getting himself into. So Madic - here it is - are you ready?

Sometimes I need to be alone. I will close myself up in my room. I may get home, grab food, and head straight for my room and not come out for hours. But it doesn’t mean anything. I just need my time sometimes.

Sometimes I can’t be alone. Sometimes I am so starved for attention that I will seek you out. Sometimes I will chatter away without taking breaths. Other times I’ll just want to sit near you.

The kitchen cannot get dirty. I will make sure it doesn’t get dirty. You will make sure it doesn’t get dirty. My room may get dirty. My room usually reflects how put together my life is. If my life is falling apart, my room is a disaster. If I am happy, organized, life is good, then my room is organized. I’m working on not letting my mood affect my cleaning behavior.

Sometimes I cry for no reason. A hallmark commercial can make me cry. Sometimes I take everything to heart. I take on everyone’s emotions until they fall out of me. It’s nothing big. You don’t need to comfort me (unless I cry that I just need a hug). Sometimes I will try to continue on with things pretending tears are not streaming down my face. Not often, but sometimes. Just ignore them.

I don’t talk in the morning. Ever. I have my coffee, I get ready for the day, I leave for the day. There is no small talk. I react badly to small talk in the morning. After 10 am I am happy as a clam (and 3 cups of coffee in).

I am going to listen to country music. Not all the time. But occasionally. I will try to only listen to it when you are not in the house, but sometimes I just need it.

I will dance. I will be silly. I will want to have people over to have dinner with us. I will want to drink at home more often than I will want to go out on the town. I will want to surround myself with fun, amazing people. I will want to have game night, and I will want it to be taken seriously. I want our house to be fun and inviting.

I do not want our house to look like we just moved in. I want it to look lived in, I want it to be comfy. It will not be a bachelor pad, it will not be a boy’s dorm room or even a girls dorm. It will be a home.

Sometimes I like to go out until four in the morning. I will come home and I will destroy the kitchen trying to find something delicious to make. I will come home, and if you are in bed I will want to wake you up and have you listen to all of my stories. I will want you to eat food with me. I will apologize profusely, but I will still try to drag you out of bed.

Sometimes I might bring a boy home. He may be a one night stand. He may be something lasting (not likely). Please don’t judge me. It won’t happen often.  But it will happen. Please be nice to him if he comes to breakfast.

Sometimes I will cry about stupid boys. Sometimes I will wonder why they don’t call. I will ask you a million questions about what you think is going on in their heads. Because you are a boy. So you must know.

Sometimes I will fall in love with boys and be incredibly bored with them six days later. Try to keep up? Never mind, you do not need to keep up. Just don’t judge me. And try not to call the next guy by the last guy's name.

I will cook. I will clean. I will stretch a dollar as far as it can go, and then some. And then sometimes I will beg to get take out. I will beg to hire a cleaning lady. I will want to go on a shopping spree.

I will constantly want to buy things for the apartment. I will need your help controlling myself.

I will constantly want to buy things for me. Please help me.

In the beginning I may stress that we do not have any friends. I will want you to go out constantly. I will drag you to flea markets. I will make you wait outside where my interview is. I will try every bar around.

Sometimes I will whine.

Sometimes I will sing.

Sometimes I will start drinking at noon. 

Dreams, reality, and trying to figure out how to put them together, but just ending up feeling sad because I don't know how

Today a few things have inspired me. First - Chelsea Talks Smack's post - go there, read it, love it, never forget it - about doing things NOW! not waiting for... something, anything.
Second - Conor Grennan's book LittlePrinces, another thing to check out, love and never forget.
I have always wanted to visit Nepal. My dad lived there for two years while he was in the peace corps. It was the most inspiring time of his life. He still talks about it all the time, he takes advantage of any opportunity to pull out his slides (and now he is digitizing them - but I love the slide show on a blank white wall). He is so incredibly passionate about anything to do with Nepal.
Since I graduated high school I wanted to follow in his footsteps. I wanted to volunteer in a third world country, I wanted to make a difference in the world. That is what brought me to the Dominican Republic when I was nineteen. Since then I have wanted to do something else. I have dreamed of going to Africa and Nepal. But "Real Life" has gotten in the way. I had to go to college. I had to make money. I had to be here for my family. And I got in the way of myself. I had to experience Europe. I had to drink my way through the UK and Denmark.

Most of all my problem is I want to do too many things. I want to volunteer for Next Generation Nepal. I want to go to volunteer in a women's home in Kenya. I want to couch surf through Europe. I want to be near my family. I want to move to Texas. I want to be in the same place long enough to make friends, maybe meet a boy, to be able to change my permanent address to something other than my parents'.
All of my wants conflict. And none of them involve a steady job, something I need in order to make the money to fund all of these dreams.
I told my mother last night, "I want to go to Nepal to volunteer at Conor's children's home."
"Annie, you are moving to Texas in two months."
"I know, but this is really important to me. I want to do this too!"
"How?"
To that I just mumbled. I don't know how. I can barely afford my move to Texas, let alone a plane ticket to Nepal. And not working, not getting an income, for those three months I would be volunteering.

Yes, I know I can do a lot of volunteering here and in Texas. And I do volunteer here. And I plan to in Texas. But my draw to Nepal has always been so deep. I want to connect with my father, to have a similar experience. To know what he went through. And I am so inspired by Conor Grennan's experiences that I just cannot stop thinking about him and the lost children of Nepal.

So I am adding it to my Before 30 list. Because I am absolutely going to do it. And maybe someday I'll get to Kenya. And maybe someday I will settle down. But be aware - "settling down" absolutely does not mean never traveling/volunteering abroad again. It just means I will pause long enough to establish a relationship - something I have been unable to do for the last five years.
Maybe Texas is my first step to settling down?

The thought of Texas makes me all giddy and happy inside

I have been looking at the route Madic and I are going to take to get from Vermont to Texas and I am GIDDY. I can't stop smiling and emailing Madic about all the places I'm excited to see. Because once we get out of Massachusetts, I have never been to any of the states we are going to go through. It's like a dream come true. I get to move to Texas AND get to see so many new states.
My one goal is to get Madic to agree to stop in Nashville.
I am so giddy I can't wait. There are so many possibilities. Where will we stay? What will we see? THINK OF THE ADVENTURES!
It's funny, Madic and I had always planned on going on a road trip together. Since we met in sixth grade we have been planning the most epic of adventures. And then last year he went on a road trip with our friend Turtle while I was visiting home. He kept trying to convince me to go with him but I was only home for a little bit and had so many people to see and things to do before I returned to Denmark. He feigned being upset and said we would never have another chance to go on a road trip together.
AND LOOK AT US NOW! We're moving to Austin, and we're driving the whole way.
But. my God, it feels like the time is never going to come. Damn our prior obligations.