A letter from Pilot

Eight months ago I wrote this letter to a man I had just met. Two months later I showed the man the letter as we were curled up together on his couch. I was nervous. Nervous to show him that just a couple weeks after we met I was head over heels. Nervous to introduce him to Believe You Me because it was opening a door to my past. But I wanted him to know all of me.
A week later he surprised me with a letter of his own.... (If you haven't read the letter I wrote, go and do that first, otherwise some of the things he says won't make sense!)

 Dear Annie,
Thanks to you I can put into words how I feel about you. When I say your name my stomach somersaults. When someone asks me if I've met anyone here I immediately think of you and smile. I plan events around you and don't want to go anywhere without you. I have a list of things I want to do with you, and trips to take with you. You were so far beyond the bar I set that I never even considered you anything but perfect. I want to be the best person I can be around you and I AM a better person with you in my life.
     Annie, I like you because you are independent and adventurous. I like you because despite your independence you desire someone, some man, by your side. I like you because of your deep passion for learning and teaching. I like your love of children. But most of all, I like you because I LOVE YOU ANNIE, all of you!
   I too let my imagination run and think too far ahead, but suddenly it doesn't scare me. I am comfortable looking past tonight's events, in telling the guys I actually have plans this weekend, in telling people I am going up north for the holidays. Time will only tell if it is true that I am meant for you, you were meant for me, and we are meant for each other. However, you are not just a girl; you are THE GIRL. You flirt just the right amount. You don't scare me away; you make me want to be closer to you. I can't tell you if you're not ready to meet the man you're meant to be with, but I can tell you that I am that man then you seem more than ready, and I am ready. The life you lived before has made you who you are now, and who you are now is the girl I love. I only hope that I can live up to the man you built me up to be. You are not just a girl from Vermont; you are THE GIRL, the woman, from Vermont. 
  Annie, I want to take you flying off into the sunset! I can't put down my phone because I want to text you every corny joke I think of and I wait for your next text; I want to call you every time something good happens. I think of you when I need a happy thought, and when I'm already happy I still think of you. I don't know if they are butterflies, but the way I feel when I hear your voice is indescribable. You are the first girl I have truly been excited for my family and friends to meet. I want to take you to Italy, kiss you under the Eiffel Tower, get lost with you in Big Bend, be uncomfortable on 12 hour flights in coach class with you, and fill scrap books of pictures with us on our many adventures. 
  I may ask you how you have done this to me, the boy with so many walls, with insecurities, with a desire for freedom that gets in the way of relationships, but you made it so easy for me to realize the priorities that truly make a man a MAN. It's not the money, or the job, or the car. No, it's the way you love, the way you care for the people, the person, the woman that loves you that truly matters. Don't be nervous, don't be quiet, don't move slowly, but don't move too fast. Most of all don't worry because I have fallen for you. I hope the affect I have on you is one you love and I hope it doesn't stop. 


I'm yours, head over heels and absolutely not confused, forever,


The Pilot


Last Sunday he asked me to marry him.
We are going to Italy for our honeymoon.

Dear Sister,

My Sweet Bear,

I’ve been having difficulty starting this. How can I presume to have knowledge enough to advise you? But as your sister, as your sponsor, as one who loves you so incredibly much, I want to try.

Sometimes I cannot believe you are sixteen. It thrills me and terrifies me at the same time. I am thrilled to see the woman you are becoming – you are beautiful, smart, a leader. Every day I amazed at your poise, your demeanor, your ability to carry on with a smile despite your illness.

But I am terrified. Terrified of what the world may have in store for you. I am scared because I remember when I was sixteen. I remember the trials, obstacles and heartbreak. High school was full of pressure and temptation. I made mistakes and had many regrets. IF I could spare you from these mistakes and just provide you with the lessons I would. But you may not make the same mistakes. No, you won’t. You are smarter than that. You have seen what it did to me. Unfortunately, you will make your own mistakes. You will cry. You will hurt. But you will learn.

Of course there will be millions of wonderful experiences as well. You will discover new things, you will live new experience, and you will find love.

You will find love in true friendships, love in a boy who makes your belly erupt with butterflies. Love in a mother who is always there no matter what you do, who seems to understand your deepest fears, your deepest desires; love in a your father who you will begin to understand as you grow older, who at the perfect moment will show his love and support though he may falter in his understanding of the vast emotions you are experiencing. Love in your brothers who will always strive to protect you, who will always support you but expect you to try your hardest and do your best. Love in your sisters who have been there from the beginning, who no matter how much you change, will always be the same. They – we – will be the constants in your life.

Most important, you will find the love of God. It is the most complex, most difficult love to understand and occasionally, to accept. But it is the most rewarding love, the most fulfilling. This love fills you, guides you, comforts you. This love makes you; it makes all the other loves in your life. All of these loves carry you through the difficult times, the wonderful times, even the plain-old, nothing special times.

Remember that love.

So, my pretty little sister, what advice can I give you?

1.       Always be yourself. Do not be embarrassed by who you are. Do not change to please others – you will regret it later and it will cause lasting damage. This is not uncommon, especially as you near college. So hold on to yourself. Love who you are. (I do!)

2.       Do not give in to pressure. This may be the most difficult piece of advice to follow because you may not notice the pressure. It could come in the form of friends talking, your friends beginning to change, beginning to have new experiences. You may feel left out, you may feel embarrassed for not joining them. But again, be true to who you are. Hold out. I promise you, looking back you’ll never think you were old enough.

3.       Take advantage of opportunities. Travel, be spontaneous, love. Take chances.

4.       Volunteer – give back, immerse yourself in a life you have never experienced and make it better.

5.       Do not worry about what others expect you. Do not worry about following the social norm.

6.       Make sure you are happy. Do not settle with simply content.

7.       Live life completely. Laugh often. Sing and dance every day, even if it is just in the kitchen.

8.       Work hard, commit to your dreams and fulfill them.

9.       Exercise. Seriously, it’s good for the body and the soul.

10.   No matter what – this is so important that I am saying it again – know that God loves you. He does. He needs you and you need him. Catholicism may be difficult at times, you may doubt, you may fall away. But you must never turn away from God. Without him life is empty. I have turned away and this is a lesson I do not want you to have to experience to learn from. It was the most difficult, empty time in my life. You need God, Bear. His miracles are always surrounding us. His love showers us. Love him.

There is my little bit of knowledge. It’s not nearly enough but it is all I have. Together we will learn more. You are a beautiful person Bear, you have a beautiful soul, and I am so blessed to be your sister. I love you a ridiculous amount.

With faith and love,

Annie

Dear Crush,

Dear Pilot,

I am trying to put into words how I feel about you. When I say your name my stomach somersaults. When someone from home asks if I’ve met anyone here I immediately think of you and smile. Before I realized it I was planning my activities around you. Where you would be I would go. I will go. I find myself looking forward to each time I will see you and thinking of new opportunities for us to interact.

When asked what it was about you that I liked all I could say was you were flying high above the bar I had set. And that bar is pretty high. I like you because you make me want to be the best version of me possible. I like you because you have a southern drawl that makes me melt. I like you because when something goes wrong you go right to work trying to figure out how to fix it. I like you because you are kind, you have a great sense of humor, you can entertain an entire room with your thrilling stories. I like you because you sing at church without opening the hymnal. I like you because you make sly comments under your breath that make me giggle. But most of all, I like you because the first time I heard your voice I looked up at you and haven’t been able to look away since.

Sometimes when I allow myself to think too far ahead and let my imagination run wild I think perhaps you are the reason for Texas. You were the draw, the reason why God helped me to make my way down here without a plan. You are why every prayer was answered and nothing got in my way. I was meant to meet you, you were meant to meet me.

But that thought terrifies me. Because, what if it is not true? What if I have fallen head over heels in this short time and to you I’m just a girl. What if I flirt too much or too little? What if I scare you away? What if I’m not ready to meet the man who I’m meant to be with? What if the life I lived before doesn’t fit with the life you live now? What if I’m not meant for you but I’ve built you up so much no one will ever live up to you? What if I’m never more than that girl from Vermont to you?

Pilot, I want to be more than that girl. I want to be The Girl. The One. I want you to take me flying in the sunset. I want you to call me when you’ve had a good day and text me when you think of something funny. I want you to think of me when you need a happy thought. I want you to get butterflies when you hear my voice. I want your face to light up when you see me. I want to be the girl you take home to your parents, the girl you introduce to your childhood friends. I want to be the girl you take to Italy, the girl you want next to you on all your adventures.

How have you done this to me? To the girl who put up walls. The girl who goes on two dates and gets bored. How have you made such an impression on me that I have thrown out all of my tried and true ways to catch a man’s attention? Instead I’m nervous. I’m quieter than usual. I tiptoe. I want to build a friendship and mutual respect. I want to take this slowly and not mess anything up. Yet I’m impatient. I want you to call me now.  I want you to ask me out now. I want you to fall for me as I’ve fallen for you right now. Why do you have this affect on me? What will make it stop?

Yours, head over heels and completely confused, forever,

Annie

A sponsor, a representative, a model of Faith

On Thursday my little sister will be confirmed, and she has chosen me as her sponsor. She may have chosen me because I was the easiest one to ask. I am her sister, I will be in her life forever, I am seven years older than her - so "wiser." And I would be home during her confirmation.
But to me it is a little more than that. Although my confirmation sponsor did not end up taking an active role in my life, much like my godparents have been in the shadows, I wanted to take my role as an example in faith very seriously.
I felt the same way when my brother asked me to be Clara's godmother. These people are asking me to be a role model, to be a witness of faith. And I do not want to fall short.
It is difficult, because I am not the model Catholic. I lapse in my faith, I fail to go to church every Sunday when I am away from home. I forget to pray. I put myself before God, before my faith, before everyone. I have faltered. I have been angry with God. I have turned my back on him. I have lived a life I am not proud of.
But I always go back. I always recognize that feeling of emptiness - isn't it funny how overwhelming emptiness can be? - as a yearning to be close to God once more. Is that enough? That I recognize through it all, no matter the paths I take, that God will always be there? Maybe not quite. I need to work on welcoming Him into my life, always.
It is tradition to give a gift to the confirmed. I have been scouring the webs (because there are no shops in my town - and even if there were, I have absolutely NO time to go anywhere...) for something wonderful to give her. But my brother is already getting her a crucifix, my grandmother is getting her a ring, and my mother bought her all the saint books she would ever need. So what am I left with?
I decided that the most meaningful present would be to write her a letter (and maybe buy her a pair of earrings).
But the letter would address more than our faith. Well, not more than our faith, because our faith encompasses everything. It comes out of the church and into our daily lives. Our love and worship of God flows into our friendships, our relationships, even into our education. God is behind our decisions, our goals, our thoughts, our worries. He is a part of everything. So when I write a letter to my sister about my faith as it pertains to her, it will be a letter about life, love, hopes, and dreams.
Hopefully God will send me inspiration, hopefully I will be able to use my hand to write His words. Hopefully I can lead my sister down a holy, happy path.

Stay tuned, I may post bits of the letter...

Dearest ___________,

I received my first letter from Kelsey the other day and I loved everything about it. I loved that I got something in the mail that had nothing to do with student loans or medical bills. I loved that she stamped it with "Special Delivery for..." I loved that she wrote on the back of the envelope "From California to Vermont #1," I loved everything she wrote, and I love that I can write her back!
I love writing letters in general. In my busy, crazy life where my awake hours are all over the place (because I'm staying up all night with the twins), and my friends live all over the world, letters seem to be the easiest way to communicate. The funny thing is, I just figured this out.
It took weeks of phone tag, quick text messages, one line hellos on facebook, and me bursting at the seams to be able to catch a time to talk to my friends, for me to finally sit down and write it all out. And ever since, I have actually been happier.
It started with Panda when I took my five weeks off of facebook. Getting a hold of her was brutal. She was either in class or working diligently on her thesis, or I was at work or sleeping. It had been so long since we had spoken to each other and I just needed to communicate with her. Do you ever feel that way? Do you feel an intense pull to know that your best friend understands what you are going through, and to know what is going on with her? So finally, I e-mailed her.
It's funny what comes out in an email. We ended up telling each other more than we ever would in a phone call. We delved a little deeper than normal and just wrote out everything we were feeling. We've been emailing for a couple weeks now. Not every day, but when we get the chance. It feels so good to hear from her, and every time I finish a letter to her, I feel a great sense of relief. 
Although talking face to face, or even on the phone, is something wonderful, I think that writing letters is a beautiful form of communication. You are able to say exactly what you want to say. You can take the time to think over your words. Another example of letters being better is Penn. After his phone call the other night, he wrote me an email. I think it was because he knows of my utter infatuation with Jane Austen, I have mentioned how romantic everyone was back then, communicating solely with letters.
He also wrote because it was easier than stumbling over his words on the phone. He was nervous about what he had to say, and this way he could take his time in saying it. The result was something beautiful.
I am so happy I have rediscovered letter writing, and hope that you, too, decide to pick it up. You'll be surprised by how much it can change you.

Do you write letters? Do you have a pen pal? Tell me all about it!
Do you want to e-mail me? You absolutely can! anniedrinkwine@gmail.com
I promise to write back!