Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Summer, meet the family

My little brother, B5, is what I call a player. Confidence spills out of him. He is tall (well, one of the tallest in my family, but I guess that isn't really saying anything), fit, and has the most adorable dimples in the world (when he was little, I thought it was adorable, now I think they are ridiculous, mostly because I am one of the two children of eight who did not inherit dimples). And he knows it.
Every time I talk to him there is a new girl in his life, and of course she is the "most beautiful girl he has ever seen - and extremely smart too!" I am pretty sure I am going to hate whoever B5 ends up with because she is going to be perfect - beautiful and brilliant, two things I definitely am not. And yes, I hate people like that a little bit... because I'm jealous. Whatever.
B5 also has the habit of accidentally not breaking up with a girl. His story is, he never knew they were actually dating, that girls just read in to things too much. My mother holds that these girls are idiots, because here son could do no wrong. My theory: my brother is too much of a flirt, and I'm sure he makes every girl feel like they are everything to him. (This trait runs in the family. Except for me, I am the worst flirt, and I'm pretty sure I make all guys think I hate them... hm, could this be why I'm single? Whatever, this post isn't about me.) When B5 was home for Christmas I'm pretty sure he had 3 girls who were absolutely certain he was their boyfriend.
But thankfully he didn't bring anyone home this vacation. Since he started college he has brought a different girl home every break. He says it's because he goes to school in the Midwest, and we live on the East Coast, so he has to introduce them to our "culture." Because he's been bringing so many girls home, we started referring to them, not by name (because who can bother to learn their names?) but by season, or year.
Over the summer we met, well, Summer. This poor girl had no idea what she was getting herself into by coming. My brilliant brother decided it was a great idea to invite her to come while every other sibling in the family was home. This never happens, not even on major holidays, but on a random week over the summer, we were all there. And so was Summer.
Summer arrived just before dinner time. SIL and I were in the kitchen making burger patties to send out to B1, 2, and 3 (because who can flip a burger alone?), B4 (our live in bartender) was mixing drinks - B1 was on an Old Fashion kick, the little girls were at theater practice, E was probably sleeping, my niece was running between me and her daddy, and my parents were taking it all in.
Now I always try to be polite in the beginning. We welcomed her (Dad said, "welcome to our culture! if you need any help with culture shock, talk to E, she's a foreigner too!") and I did what I always do when people come in the house, offered a glass of wine.
"No thanks, I don't drink." SIL froze. Dad giggled a little and went outside to "help" with the grill, and I took a big gulp of my own wine, and gave her a smile, hoping it was an "that's ok, more for me!" smile, rather than a "I don't think we're going to get along" grimace.
SIL pulled herself together and played her part, offering food. "We're grilling up some burgers now, but we have some cheese and crackers here, how many burgers would you like?"
"Oh, no thanks, I'm a lacto-vegetarian." A few things went through my mind, first, you have got to be kidding me! and then damn you B5! seriously? you couldn't warn us?
That's when my mother left the room. My mother is the sweetest woman, but vegetarians really bug her. "With all the food allergies I have to accommodate, why on earth would you choose to be inconvenient?"
So poor Summer, she doesn't drink, she doesn't eat meat or cheese, she clearly does not fit into this family already - did B5 even tell her we own a beef cattle farm?
I went about trying to find food suitable for her... "Um, we have a lot of gluten free stuff that doesn't have any dairy, is that ok? Piece of bread? We're grilling corn on the cob!" And then I drank more wine.

Later that night we were all sitting in the living room (drinking wine), and B5 and summer joined us. Summer was wearing a skirt. She sat down across from me. Legs spread. I got a full view of her faded undies. Lovely.

By the end of her week long visit, in which she helped celebrate Clara's and my father's birthdays (awkward), we were all a bit sick of her. And you know what, so was B5.  

Disclaimer: I really do not have a problem with people who don't drink or eat meat... it's just, in our family, we do a lot of both... so we are very critical of potential significant others who don't. As long as you aren't planning on marrying into the family, you're golden!


  1. I'm so going to use the "why would you choose to be inconvenient" That made me laugh so hard. My sister was vegan for a while, and she's lucky she stopped being vegan otherwise her crones disease could have gotten bad enough to kill her.

    Sounds like you have an awesome family.

  2. My family is fantastic! Thanks so much for following me, I hope I can be as entertaining to you as you are to me, although I make no promises, because I never know what I'm going to write...

    Vegan, yuck.


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